December 18, 2010

Oh Where, Oh Where Have I Been?

I am even having a hard time answering that question.  When I created this blog last summer I felt like I had all the time in the world to craft and share all of the creative ideas in my head...and then all of my ideas disappeared because I had something new on my mind.  At the end of the summer I had a miscarriage.  I was very blessed in so many ways because it happened only in the forth week, I had only known that I was pregnant for three days, and I was healthy.  But let me tell you this...a miscarriage, is a miscarriage, is a miscarriage.  It does not matter how far along you are or how long you thought you were pregnant, you still feel the loss and you still feel the sadness.  It took me awhile to think this and even longer to say it aloud.  Of course I was sad at first.  I had to wait two months to even try to get pregnant again and all I was thinking was that I would just get pregnant and everything would be fine.  But then the two months passed and then three more and guess what I am not pregnant and every single pregnancy test I took broke my heart.  All I have been thinking about for the past five months is...am I pregnant, why am I not pregnant, what is wrong with me, how can I fix it, am I pregnant now, why am I not pregnant...you get the point.  I have finally realized that I cannot fix the sadness or the loss by getting pregnant.  The only way to fix it is to accept what happened and let my heart heal.  Because of this we are taking a break from the pregnancy train because most of all my heart and my brain need a break.  I want to go back to thinking about creative and crafty ideas...I want that peace back...I want my happy back.  I want to stop thinking about the things that I don't have and go back to remembering all of the wonderful things I have to be thankful for in my life.  I have an AMAZING and incredibly supportive husband, a wonderful and loving family, the best in-laws a girl could hope for and some of the kindest most inspiring friends!  I am truly blessed and that is what I want my focus to be!  So I am making an early New Years Resolution...or maybe I will just make it a New Me Resolution...I will only focus on the blessings in my life.  I will to let go of the sadness and the loss.  I will stop trying to control the path of my life and find peace and happiness in all things or should I say people that I have been blessed with.  I don't know exactly how I found myself writing this on my blog but my hands are shaking, my eyes are watery and my heart feels a little lighter.  I guess this is just one step in letting go and finally letting my heart heal.

1 comment:

  1. Katie
    You are such an amazing person and I feel so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart and mind. Your creativity and thoughtfulness never cease to amaze me!
    Love,
    Sanna

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